My first hit?

The good news is, it seems that someone (or something) has actually looked at my blog. The bad news is, I’m guessing the latter, based on the evidence, which is neither a comment on one of my posts nor a personal email, but rather a spam email. Check it out:

Hi,


I found your blog Unfellated on Blogger and I may have an interesting proposal for you. I work for the CityMedia foundation (citymediafoundation.org) and we are currently offering relevant bloggers from all over the world a chance to become the administrator of their city’s video site; this is why I’m contacting you.

We created the [City].vi network, making videos of world cities instinctively accessible with this address model: “city name” followed by “.vi”. For example: paris.vi, madrid.vi, chicago.vi, losangeles.vi, etc. The address model works for 68,000 of the world’s most important cities. Think about a city and try…

The objective of the [City].vi network is to become the leading resource for local video content. Our strategy: working with relevant local bloggers.

We would be pleased you become the administrator of lancaster.vi and offer internet surfers a comprehensive video selection about Lancaster. By managing your city’s video site you earn all of the revenues made from the site: ads, professionals registrations, links… Basically, running lancaster.vi consists of making the site known by locals, for they post and watch videos.

Come on the site, you will find the proposal in detail and the advantages to work with us and take control of your city's video site.

Thank you for your attention.

Vicki Karlin
City.vi Manager
City.vi, a tool by CityMedia Fdt
citymediafoundation.org

Ok, then: Correct me if I’m wrong, but as far as I can tell, not one bit of that whole spiel has even a single thing to do with me getting or not getting blow jobs. Sorry, Vicki, but I think I’ll pass you up on your offer. Next time try offering me a blow job, or a decent, intelligent discussion of the act. At the very least, if you really want me to believe that you’ve read one word of my blog other than its title, have something to say about what I’ve written here.

Sheesh…where do we get ’em? I really had my hopes (of having at least one reader) up. I wonder if Vicki Karlin is even a real person?

I wonder if she’s a babe?

A babe who goes down and swallows?

Ok, enough of that.

In other news, I’m sure everyone is anxiously waiting to find out if Santa really would honor a wish from a lowly customer for the opportunity to be naughty with some lovely lady. That would be a ‘no’, at least in my case.

Of course. Did any of you really expect anything else?

Rejected again

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I got rejected for fellatio again. But you’re wrong.

WRONG, I tell you!

But that doesn’t mean I actually got one, either. Confused? It’s because this post has nothing to do with fellatio, despite the fact that I’ve used the very word twice in it already.

What I got rejected for in this case, again, was publication of an short story of mine at Clean Sheets. This is the second time I submitted a story to them. (And no, there wasn’t even a blow job in the story, which is rare but not unheard of for me.) Interesting thing, too, that both times I submitted to them I initially got no response whatsoever. I ended up resubmitting after a few weeks of nothing both times, and then I eventually heard back that they will not be able to use my story(s). Well, fuck ’em, then. They’ll be sorry when I’m rich and famous as an author of world class smut-lit.

Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

Seriously, though, I doubt I’ll be submitting any more stories to them. What the hell, it was worth a try, for the first few times anyway. It sure would have been nice to have gotten a morsel of constructive criticism out of them in the process, but no such luck. I suspect their editors just don’t care for my kind of writing.

I’ve been thinking about submitting my stories to Literotica instead, which, it seems, would not be as prestigious as Clean Sheets. There are an awful lot of crappy authors and crappy stories at Literotica, to my own tastes, anyway.

Not all of their stuff is crappy, though. There’s at least a handful of stories I read there which I thought were excellent, and a bunch of others which, while not up to the same standard, could best be described as ‘guilty pleasures’. The problem is, the bad writers far outnumber and outperform the good writers, so I end up having to wade through a boat load of crap in order to find the few gems. For that reason, I doubt any serious publisher of worthwhile erotic fiction bothers to look there for prospective authors.

So be it.

Another gripe I have with Literotica is that they have categories for various types of erotic stories, such as anal, exhibitionist, fetish, gay, etc., but there’s no category for oral, which is how I’d want most of my stories to be categorized. I even wrote them politely last month to ask/complain/suggest they change that, but no response.

Hey, I got no response to my initial story submissions to Clean Sheets either. Hmmm, I’m beginning to see a pattern here…

I guess I should write again and give them another chance, but WTF? Why doesn’t anybody want to write back to me? Do I really have such an aura of ‘loser’ about me? I guess that could also explain why nobody comments on my posts, or possibly even reads my blog. Somebody, please confirm or prove me wrong.

Anyway, whether or not I start publishing my work at Literotica, I think I’ll also post them here in this blog of mine. Simultaneously, if I do both. So watch this space. Eventually. Before I do, though, I think I’ll write a bit about how I got started writing my dirty stories, in a future post. One clue, for now: My failure to experience completed fellatio figures prominently.

And there’s that word again.

50 Years of Disappointment

Well, the big five-oh has now come and gone for me, with nary a blow job in sight (not counting porn, of course). Is there any hope at all? A few years ago, I figured if I didn’t get one by the time I turned 50, it just wasn’t gonna happen. I realize, of course, that anything actually could happen, but considering my track record I’ve had precious little reason for optimism in this particular department, so it seems more true than ever.

On the other hand, Christmas approaches — and that brings to mind a philosophical question. Legend has it that Santa Claus can tell if we’ve been naughty or nice, and that he brings nothing, or something undesirable (such as a lump of coal), to those who have been naughty. Does that mean he would automatically refuse to honor a wish for the opportunity to be naughty with somebody?

Masturbation Techniques

This will probably come as a shock to everyone, but I’ve spent a fair amount of my life masturbating. Hey, if you can’t join it, beat it, right? I remember doing it as early as seventh grade (age 12 or so), although it’s certainly possible I did it before that.

Seventh grade stands out because I had a biology class, and occasion at one point to borrow a class microscope for use for some project at home. I guess I was pretty naive for my age (I never did get out much), but it was just beginning to dawn on me that what I was doing was, in fact, masturbating, that the sensational feeling at the end was an orgasm, and that the slippery white stuff which accompanied the sensational feeling was actually semen. My semen. Full of my own tiny little soldiers. Amen.

I wanted verification, though, so I set up the class microscope in my room, did my whacking off, sandwiched a few drops of my cream between two glass slides, and gazed at it through the scope in awe. By God, there had to be at least hundreds of my sperm in just those few drops. That adds some interesting significance to a pre-teen boy’s life, for sure.

I wonder how many times I’ve wacked off in my life at this point? I'm thinking in the tens of thousands. Even at my current age (about to turn 50), though there are some days I skip the ritual, they are definitely in the minority, and there are still many days when I do it more than once. I can remember doing it four or five times on each of several days in the past few weeks. I have to admit, though, my volume of output per session for the most part isn’t what it used to be.

I still mangage to have my share of great solo orgasms, though, and wonder if my technique might be a factor. The traditional male technique of masturbation, as far as I've ever read or heard, is to stroke oneself off using a hand, maybe with some spit or vaseline or other lubricant. I’ve very rarely done it that way, and in fact, don’t particularly care for that. I use my legs instead. I realize it probably doesn’t sound or look very manly, but if you ask me it feels way way better than the old hand-around-your cock method. It feels more like real sex, more like actually being inside a woman’s vagina (or mouth, or ass), expecially when the climax hits. And you don’t end up with your hand coated in your sticky cream. I find it easier and more practical to clean up my cock and legs with a towel. And what the hell, who cares what it would look like to someone else, unless you’re an exhibitionist masturbator?

So what exactly does this technique of mine involve? You put your hardon between your legs, which is the best place for it if you don’t have a willing and enthusiastic woman nearby, and slide it back and forth. Just like with your hand, you can use some spit or lotion if you want to, though most of the time I get by without either. If the weather’s really hot and/or humid you might find it necessary. When your cock is slid to the back, it feels like you’re in deep, which is a sensation I’ve never really gotten when just using my hand. At the moment of orgasm, deep is exactly what I want to feel.

Works for me, anyway. If you try it and like it, or you’ve already done it this way, or if you have other suggestions, I’d love to hear from you. Happy wanking.

...and I’m back!

Did anyone miss me? No? Well, big surprise there, since as far as I can tell nobody else has even visited this blog yet. Wah. Isn’t this supposed to work like “Field of Dreams” — if I write it, they will come? Gosh darn it, I think somebody mislead me, then.

No matter, at least for now. I’ve decided to resume posting here, come what may. When I started this blog, I hoped that maybe it would be therapeutic for me, in a sense. It sure didn’t seem that way by the time I’d stormed off after only my fourth post with no apparent readers, now almost two and a quarter years ago, but maybe I didn’t give it enough of a chance.

On the other hand, and I hate to have to repeat myself, but it STILL looks like nobody else has been here. Is there any hope at all? Somebody…please read my blog and leave a comment. (Making sad puppy eyes as I type this, for effect.)

Well, I guess I’ll answer some imaginary questions…

Why did I quit after my fourth post? Apart from my frustration at not seeming to have any readers, I had become very depressed about the state of my life. I still am, I guess, though I suppose I’ve become better at dealing with it, or maybe just so accustomed to it that it doesn’t matter as much. I’m no expert on the subject of myself, that’s for sure.

Have I managed to get a completed blow job yet? Of course not.  :-)  If fact, my wife and I barely have sex at all any more. I think the last time was back in August maybe. What a life.

Well, that’s all the imaginary questions I have time for right now. If y’all have any more you want answered, don’t hesitate to leave comments. I won’t be holding my breath, though. I’ll try to write again soon in any case.

Fade to Black

Don’t waste your time reading this.

Blow by Blow #1: Oral Survey (a limerick)

I have written an ongoing series of fellatio-themed limericks. Here, for your hopeful amusement, is the first one.

Blow by Blow: Aspects of Fellatio
No. 1, “Oral Survey”
© 2006 by me

Inquiring minds want to know
Whether you spit, or swallow
And if it’s the latter
Please answer this matter:
What are you doing tomorrow?

What I've Got, and What I Want

What have I got?

I’ve got a nice house, with a large back yard. Been here for 17 years.

I’ve got a job that pays pretty well, even if it is a pain in the ass much of the time.

I’ve got a wife of 23 years, kids and step-kids (all grown), as well as step-grandkids.

I have sex with my wife, for the most part whenever I want to.

I should be happy. Right?

But I’m not happy. A huge part of sex, for me, is the need to feel wanted, but it’s my impression that my wife is mearly tolerating my advances. Every time we do it anymore, I’m the one who initiates it. She seems to put some effort into it once I start, but not a whole lot, and it’s a far cry from what I would call enthusiastic.

Most disappointing of all is my unrequited and unappreciated oral fixation. I could eat her pussy until the cows come home, and have on numerous occasions. But even though I have brought her to orgasm (as far as I could tell), she seems indifferent to my having done so in that particular way. She never asks or begs me to do it; nor does she ever thank me, tell me I did well, or say anything about how I might do better. For the record, I am completely open to her requests or advice, if she ever had any. Frankly, she is not at all comfortable talking about sex. (More about that in another post.)

And she has never, ever given me a complete blow job. (Being that she is the only woman I’ve had sex with, that means I’ve never had a completed blow job, period.) Oh, she consents to take my cock into her mouth at my urging, and suck it for a while, but nearly all of her efforts seem to be misdirected at keeping me from actually getting anywhere. Most of the time she barely takes more than the head of my cock in, and she applies such little pressure that I really don’t feel much of anything. Occasionally, she actually does do better, taking me a bit further in and making me feel it, but as soon as she gets a hint of the effect she’s having on me, she backs off. Sooner or later, one of us has had enough and we switch to something else.

This is a far cry from the sex life I want. I want to be wanted, and to me, an enthusiastic, completed blow job is the epitome of being wanted by a woman. This is the crux of the matter: I want a woman to want me so much that she will try to the best of her ability to deep throat me (it is acknowledged she might not achieve it); she will crave having me cum in her mouth and be disappointed if I don’t; and she will hungrily swallow all of my load every time, not wanting to waste a single precious drop.

That doesn’t make me a bad person, does it?

I have read in some sex advice articles (more on them in another post) that deep throating is not important. I disagree, for two reasons. First, from what little experience my wife permits me, I can say without a doubt that even though she doesn’t come close to deep throating me, the further she has taken my cock into her mouth, the better it has felt for me, and the closer it has brought me to orgasm.

Then, of course, that’s her cue to back off.

Second, from a psychological standpoint, it would go one thousand percent further toward reinforcing a feeling of being truly wanted.

I have also read in some articles that wrapping a hand around that part of the cock which is not in the mouth is an effective substitute for deep throating. Not so for me. My wife does sometimes use a hand, but it doesn’t even come close to approximating the sensation of her lips and tongue against the sides of my cock, when I actually get to feel them. And again, it would tell me she is not as serious about wanting me as if she was making the effort to draw me into her throat, or at least significantly further into her mouth.

Another thing I’ve sometimes read is that cumming in the mouth and being swallowed aren’t important; that reaching orgasm should be sufficient. I call bullshit on that. They are certainly important to me. To begin with, the male organ instinctively and desperately wants to be further inside whatever it is penetrating at the moment of orgasm (which is not to suggest I’m advocating for men to thrust freely without the woman’s consent, of course). It most definitely does not want to be taken out.

Also, not to beat the desire to be wanted to death, but I can’t imagine anything saying “I want you” to a guy more than having a woman look into his eyes with longing as she swallows his seed.

And really, is it asking so much?

Questions? Comments?

Offers of blow jobs? :-)

Intro to Unfellated

[From my profile] A guy rapidly approaching his fiftieth birthday without ever having experienced a decent blow job. This blog documents my usually serious though often laughable and hopefully interesting attempts to deal with and/or remedy the situation, but may touch on other subjects (sexual and non-sexual) as well. I can be reached at my GMail address, mh.unfellated, if necessary.

Reader comments to my posts are welcome, encouraged, and very much hoped for, from both male and female readers. I am open to criticism, and will answer it as best as I can, but flames will not be tolerated or published.

If any reader feels he or she might have something to add on a semi-regular basis which is pertinent to the subject matter expressed here, feel free to contact me about possibly becoming an official contributor. Also, if a reader posts a comment offering extended information in answer to one of my posts, or asks a question that I feel inclined to address at length, I may wish to use the comment in a new post, with the reader’s permission.